Honoring beginnings while dreaming big

In The Big Leap, Dr. Gay Hendricks says that we all have an internal thermostat setting vis-à-vis success and happiness. Whenever we exceed that setting by creating more success and happiness than what we subconsciously believe we deserve, our instinct is to drop back down to that familiar default setting, even if it’s suboptimal. In other words, we unknowingly self-sabotage because we don’t know how to deal with more success and happiness beyond the limits we had somehow set for ourselves—and forgotten about. Until we shine awareness on these limits and break through them, we unknowingly repeat self-limiting patterns in our lives.

I’m currently visiting my childhood home (Macau, near Hong Kong), celebrating my dad’s 70^th birthday and participating in the first family reunion since 1995. None of us thought it’d be 16 years before all 4 of us kids and both our parents—plus 4 grandkids now—would be in the same place again. I really looked forward to this rare family gathering, and booked my flights a year ago, as soon as discussions first started. 

As much as I was full of anticipation for this reunion, as the trip approached, I also became aware of some low-grade anxiety I had about this visit. This unease was familiar, as I had it every time I made this long trip across the Pacific Ocean since I left home 25 years ago. The difference this time is that I’ve developed the consciousness to recognize what’s underneath the stress. It’s a tap on the shoulder to reconcile my current reality with forgotten limiting beliefs about money and success. It’s time to clear out some more neglected weeds in the fertile ground of my subconscious mind.

Over the years, every time I’ve traveled back to my childhood home, my life would so happen to be in transition and/or I'd have to watch my spending. To give you an idea, in 1992, I came back to my parents’ home as someone’s depressed trailing spouse, with a Master’s Degree but no job in hand, feeling that life was hopeless and not worth living at age 21. In 1995 and 1997, I was a doctoral student living on a small graduate assistant’s stipend. In 2004, I was going through a divorce, in addition to being burned out from my consulting job then, and in the process of reinventing myself. In 2007, I had just bought my very first house on my own in the expensive San Francisco Bay Area. Not only had I invested my life’s savings in the down payment, my discretionary spending shrunk dramatically because of having a mortgage. On this current trip, I’m still in setup mode with my REACH mission; it isn't the homecoming of a successful entrepreneur—not yet anyway.

I started wondering: Why do I keep repeating a pattern of returning to my childhood home not particularly feeling prosperous or successful? I’ve certainly created a good life overall and increasing success in between visits over the years. What’s behind this pattern I keep repeating? My contemplation yielded a very simple answer: I was subconsciously trying to honor my beginnings. 

I was born amidst a pervasive consciousness of lack. This consciousness was in part cultural and in part circumstantial. My parents were born in the World War II era, and had truly heartbreaking, depriving childhoods. Despite that, they did an amazing job raising us 4 kids with what they had and what they knew how to do. I’ll never forget an experience when I was 9. I asked my mom for what was equivalent to $1.20 for a school project, and got yelled at so badly that you’d think I committed a crime. I was stunned. What wrong did I actually do? My mom later explained that money was really tight, and that was why she freaked out when I asked for money, even though it wasn’t much. Her intense fear and desperation burned a lasting imprint in my young heart and consciousness. I’m recounting this moment to give you a sense of the environment in which I was raised.

Subconsciously, returning to my childhood home posh would be grossly incongruent with the messages around financial hardship with which I was raised. Even though I’ve done a lot of work in releasing limiting beliefs about abundance, my consciousness has been focused on the current life I’ve created in the U.S. In effect, I’ve manifested a completely different reality thousands of miles away from where I grew up, where I got many years of foundational subconscious programming about money and security—or the lack thereof. Just like what Dr. Hendricks said about returning to my original thermostat setting, my subconscious mind needed my success status to match my memory of childhood circumstances whenever I go back to Macau.

What a revelation all that was! I truly honor where I came from, as it offered the contrasting life experiences from which to pivot, to break through my default thermostat setting and to reach greater heights in this life. But, it’s clearly time to let the old programming go and to leave the past where it belongs. I’m not my mother, fearfully and desperately trying to manage a household with severely limited resources. I’m most certainly no longer the 9-year-old who was gravely afraid of being a burden to my mother and felt grossly insecure at home.

Instead, I choose to mindfully acknowledge and honor the tenacious dreamer in me—who has successfully realized every dream I’ve had since childhood, starting with wanting to create a bigger, better and more meaningful life than the one into which I was born. Each dream has led to a bigger one that expands my consciousness and stretches me to grow—more and more rapidly—to surrender to Divine flow and to express more grace and joy my spirit came into this human life to experience.

What about you? Are you in any way held back by your default success and happiness thermostat setting? Are you repeating any patterns in life that could be traced back to forgotten childhood memories? Are you unknowingly still trying to honor where you came from? Know that by breaking through your old thermostat setting, you aren’t dishonoring your beginnings. Instead, you’re simply recognizing that where you came from set you up to make conscious choices to becoming more successful and happier. There’s nothing wrong with that. Honor your past, celebrate the present and dream big for the future!

Fear of Success

Last week, I was interviewed about my book for a radio show, “Top of Your Game,” to air on Monday, July 11, at 4pm PT/7pm ET on http://ftns.co. One of the things the host asked me to talk about was my near-death experience in December 2008. She wanted to know if the conviction to change my life coming away from it was constant or if it faded in time. I told her that it wasn’t an either-or scenario, but more a pendulum swing between the conviction to step out and the fear of doing so. After all, experiencing fear is part of being human; it can't be avoided. At the same time, I know that reverting back to hiding in my comfort zone isn't an option. Therefore, it has really been a matter of knowing what to do with fears, such that they don't get the better of me.

I bet you have experienced the fear of failing, haven’t you? After all, isn’t it why so many of us choose the status quo over going after a big dream? But, what if the fear of failure is just a disguise for the fear of success? What if the real culprit is that, deep down, we’re terrified of not being able to stretch and grow (fast enough) to contain the big success we’re called to step into? Isn’t it why so many of us unknowingly self-sabotage in order to return to our comfort zone? Isn’t it why we procrastinate and allow ourselves to be distracted from a big goal that scares us?

You may ask, what difference does the label make? Fear is fear, isn't it? Well, I beg to differ. The awareness you bring to the nature of your fear makes a world of difference. Just humor me for a moment. Think of where you are in life right now as your baseline for success, however you choose to define success. Whether or not you see yourself as objectively successful, your current status establishes your success baseline going forward. If what calls to you and pulls you stretches your current comfort, you basically have the opportunity to increase your success. The fear of “failure” is then the anxiety of not knowing if you can indeed raise your success from its current level. So, the fear of failure is really the fear of not being big enough to be more successful than you are currently. 

Are you with me so far? Good, let me offer the next thought: In the event that you do "fail," you can always return to your current success level. Oh, yes, you can! You’ve done what you needed to do to get to where you are now. You know how to get here again if necessary. Chances are, though, that if you feel pulled toward something that stretches you to grow, there really is no turning back. But, it’s good to let the fearful part of you know that you’re ultimately safe as you step forward on your path to expansion and growth.

With all that said, by kneeling at the altar of avoiding success--all in the name of not wanting to fail--you aren’t giving yourself the permission to experience the possibility of more joy and passion in your life, to taste the sweetness of higher success--again, however you choose to define success. Instead, you agree to being limited by your current success level, even if it may be sub-optimal. You choose to remain in a rut or to tolerate familiar numbness. If you feel a nudge to step outside your comfort zone, see it as an opportunity to increase your success, knowing that you can always come back to your current state if indeed you so choose. It puts “failure” in a different light. Give yourself the permission to dismantle your fear of success--disguised as the fear of failure--and to raise your success level toward more joy and passion! 

There's no true failure other than not trying. Let’s not be afraid to at least try.