Love is a Choice

Dr. Wayne Dyer often humorously says that friends are God’s way of apologizing for our family. That’s because, while we can choose whom to befriend, we were born into our family. For many of us, our family members challenge us the most, whether in disapproving of how we live our lives or acting in such a way that repeatedly tries our ability to love them. You know what I’m talking about, right? 

As mentioned in my recent articles, I was with my entire family earlier this month. I’m so excited to report that it was a beautiful love fest! The first time I was with my parents and 3 brothers, we were standing outside the temple where the shrines of my paternal ancestors were installed—it likens visiting a cemetery. At that moment, it hit me that I was actually with everyone in my immediate family for the first time in 16 years! I got emotional, even though cognitively I knew I was going to see everyone. Despite (still) not knowing how to react to their crying sister, my brothers were touched. A few days later, my mom remarked to me that the bond among us 4 kids was really evident to her and it really warmed her heart.

The brief family sketch above may not seem like a big deal to you, but it is *huge* to me. You see, for a long time, love was not a word I’d associate with my family. I was born into a family in a culture at a time when being a girl was a rotten deal. My mom didn’t find her own mother until after all of us kids were born. At our first meeting with our late grandmother, my mom asked her what she thought of the 4 children. To that, my grandmother said that the 3 boys were great but not the girl – me. I was sitting right there! When I was 9, I came home excitedly with my glowing report card from school. My late paternal grandmother, who was living with us at the time, promptly picked up my younger brother and put him on her lap. With arms around him, she consoled him, “Don’t worry, next time you’ll beat your sister.” Up until I was in college, I was repeatedly told that I was not as worthy or as smart as my brothers, that I’d need a college education to compete with a high school graduate for a job. Well into my twenties, I’d frequently wake up in the middle of the night crying from nightmares involving my family.

For many years, the cumulative pain haunted me and weighed me down. Not having the tools to identify and release it properly, I stumbled through life looking outside of myself to try to fill that big gash in my heart. I also threw myself into working really hard to find a place in this life where I could belong. In the process, to my great surprise, I started to discover that, contrary to the messages drilled into me for 2 decades, I’m actually quite smart. It took many more years, but I eventually learned that I’m deserving, too – and not because I’ve earned it, but because I inherently am deserving.

Earlier this month, I was in a place to embrace with pure love the family I had associated with great pain for many years when I didn’t know any better. Thanks to continued spiritual study and practice, my perspective has changed. Those with whom I associated great pain have had their own unhealed wounds; they have been doing the best they know how to do. By electing to look at them through the eyes of love, I freed myself from the prison of my own internal suffering. 

Love in its purest form isn’t conditioned upon anything. It has been there within me all along waiting for me to harvest, become and express it. I’ve been consciously following my guiding principles for this year – part of what I got when I meditated on New Year’s Eve to set intentions for 2011: Become the best version of you. Love awaits harvesting in your heart. I cannot adequately describe in words how free and full I feel from allowing love to flow from within, to be love in motion and action, and to see my family through love-filtered glasses.

In closing, I hope my sharing here inspires you to heal any wounds you may have from your own family life. Love is a choice always. Whatever you give, it returns to you multiplied exponentially!

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If you like my articles, you’ll love my book, REACH Your Dreams: Five Steps to be a Conscious Creator in Your Life. Find out more here.

If you love my book, I’d be so grateful if you’d consider writing a couple sentences about it on amazon.com.

Honoring beginnings while dreaming big

In The Big Leap, Dr. Gay Hendricks says that we all have an internal thermostat setting vis-à-vis success and happiness. Whenever we exceed that setting by creating more success and happiness than what we subconsciously believe we deserve, our instinct is to drop back down to that familiar default setting, even if it’s suboptimal. In other words, we unknowingly self-sabotage because we don’t know how to deal with more success and happiness beyond the limits we had somehow set for ourselves—and forgotten about. Until we shine awareness on these limits and break through them, we unknowingly repeat self-limiting patterns in our lives.

I’m currently visiting my childhood home (Macau, near Hong Kong), celebrating my dad’s 70^th birthday and participating in the first family reunion since 1995. None of us thought it’d be 16 years before all 4 of us kids and both our parents—plus 4 grandkids now—would be in the same place again. I really looked forward to this rare family gathering, and booked my flights a year ago, as soon as discussions first started. 

As much as I was full of anticipation for this reunion, as the trip approached, I also became aware of some low-grade anxiety I had about this visit. This unease was familiar, as I had it every time I made this long trip across the Pacific Ocean since I left home 25 years ago. The difference this time is that I’ve developed the consciousness to recognize what’s underneath the stress. It’s a tap on the shoulder to reconcile my current reality with forgotten limiting beliefs about money and success. It’s time to clear out some more neglected weeds in the fertile ground of my subconscious mind.

Over the years, every time I’ve traveled back to my childhood home, my life would so happen to be in transition and/or I'd have to watch my spending. To give you an idea, in 1992, I came back to my parents’ home as someone’s depressed trailing spouse, with a Master’s Degree but no job in hand, feeling that life was hopeless and not worth living at age 21. In 1995 and 1997, I was a doctoral student living on a small graduate assistant’s stipend. In 2004, I was going through a divorce, in addition to being burned out from my consulting job then, and in the process of reinventing myself. In 2007, I had just bought my very first house on my own in the expensive San Francisco Bay Area. Not only had I invested my life’s savings in the down payment, my discretionary spending shrunk dramatically because of having a mortgage. On this current trip, I’m still in setup mode with my REACH mission; it isn't the homecoming of a successful entrepreneur—not yet anyway.

I started wondering: Why do I keep repeating a pattern of returning to my childhood home not particularly feeling prosperous or successful? I’ve certainly created a good life overall and increasing success in between visits over the years. What’s behind this pattern I keep repeating? My contemplation yielded a very simple answer: I was subconsciously trying to honor my beginnings. 

I was born amidst a pervasive consciousness of lack. This consciousness was in part cultural and in part circumstantial. My parents were born in the World War II era, and had truly heartbreaking, depriving childhoods. Despite that, they did an amazing job raising us 4 kids with what they had and what they knew how to do. I’ll never forget an experience when I was 9. I asked my mom for what was equivalent to $1.20 for a school project, and got yelled at so badly that you’d think I committed a crime. I was stunned. What wrong did I actually do? My mom later explained that money was really tight, and that was why she freaked out when I asked for money, even though it wasn’t much. Her intense fear and desperation burned a lasting imprint in my young heart and consciousness. I’m recounting this moment to give you a sense of the environment in which I was raised.

Subconsciously, returning to my childhood home posh would be grossly incongruent with the messages around financial hardship with which I was raised. Even though I’ve done a lot of work in releasing limiting beliefs about abundance, my consciousness has been focused on the current life I’ve created in the U.S. In effect, I’ve manifested a completely different reality thousands of miles away from where I grew up, where I got many years of foundational subconscious programming about money and security—or the lack thereof. Just like what Dr. Hendricks said about returning to my original thermostat setting, my subconscious mind needed my success status to match my memory of childhood circumstances whenever I go back to Macau.

What a revelation all that was! I truly honor where I came from, as it offered the contrasting life experiences from which to pivot, to break through my default thermostat setting and to reach greater heights in this life. But, it’s clearly time to let the old programming go and to leave the past where it belongs. I’m not my mother, fearfully and desperately trying to manage a household with severely limited resources. I’m most certainly no longer the 9-year-old who was gravely afraid of being a burden to my mother and felt grossly insecure at home.

Instead, I choose to mindfully acknowledge and honor the tenacious dreamer in me—who has successfully realized every dream I’ve had since childhood, starting with wanting to create a bigger, better and more meaningful life than the one into which I was born. Each dream has led to a bigger one that expands my consciousness and stretches me to grow—more and more rapidly—to surrender to Divine flow and to express more grace and joy my spirit came into this human life to experience.

What about you? Are you in any way held back by your default success and happiness thermostat setting? Are you repeating any patterns in life that could be traced back to forgotten childhood memories? Are you unknowingly still trying to honor where you came from? Know that by breaking through your old thermostat setting, you aren’t dishonoring your beginnings. Instead, you’re simply recognizing that where you came from set you up to make conscious choices to becoming more successful and happier. There’s nothing wrong with that. Honor your past, celebrate the present and dream big for the future!

An Act of Grace (Guest Post)

This week's posting is the gracious offering of Jodi Chapman. Jodi and I met last month in Philadelphia, when we both joined a year-long program to learn how to get our message out to those we are called to serve. Even though we just met, we instantly recognized each other as kindred souls and connected at a very deep and intuitive level. Once you've read her story below, you'll see why I adore and respect Jodi--and so will you! Enjoy her wise, authentic and insightful words.

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Have you ever gone down a path in life that didn't feel quite right on a soul level, but it felt comfortable and secure on an ego level?

For instance, what if you always knew that you wanted to be a writer, but you had been told so often that writing would never pay your bills: you would have to work at a 9-5 job and then write at night and on the weekends. And so you went to school and got a degree in something practical: technical editing. 

And a few years after graduating you found yourself working as a technical editor for the Department of Defense. And let's say that while you were working there, a war started and because you had a secret-level security clearance, you were editing classified documents having to do with this war and were seeing things you didn't want to know about because you were against war in the first place?

And let's say that your opposition to this war was seen on the particular base that you worked at as cute and funny, and watching war videos featuring bombings set to heavy metal music somehow just didn't sit right with you. But let's also say that you were making a good living editing these documents, and it was the first time in your life that you had supported yourself. And even though you had that nagging voice in the back of your mind telling you to leave - that this wasn't right for you - that you were getting farther away from your path - the part of you that clings to security and comfort and the ego side of you that was proud that you were paying all of your bills by doing something you were good at and trained for years to do was winning.

And so for months you drove onto the base day after day and edited these documents that completely went against what you believed in, and each night you would come home and cry for hours about how much your soul was hurting. The voice in the back of your mind was getting a bit louder - begging you to quit and get closer to your path. You knew there had to be a better way, but you were too afraid to venture out on your own. You were too afraid to leave the security of a good, steady paycheck. And your ego was too afraid to leave this job that made you feel important.

The universe always starts with a whisper.
And if we don't listen, that voice inside of us gets louder and louder.
And if we still don't listen, it yells and screams and throws an absolute fit.

This fit can be in the form of an accident, a break up, an illness - anything to wake you up and make you see that you need to listen and change.

This is what happened to me. I was the editor in the example above.
I wasn't listening to that voice inside begging me to leave my soul-crushing job. And so the universe created a situation where I would have no choice but to leave. Had I listened and taken steps to leave my job right away, my journey since then may not have been quite so difficult. 

I had just gotten my hair styled and was excited to be in my friend's wedding the following day. I was driving home when I noticed a car stopped on the other side of the road getting ready to turn left. Before I could brake, the car pulled out right in front of me. I slammed into the side at full speed. 

I thought my car was on fire because of the smoke from the air bag, so I crawled out as quickly as someone in shock can do. I remember the kind people racing over to me - shielding me from the sun with an umbrella, rubbing my arm and saying soothing things while we waited for the ambulance, and then I went to the hospital.

It could've been much worse, and I was so thankful that I was okay.
Pretty banged up, but okay.

But what wasn't okay was my ability to edit. I spent the next few months receiving occupational therapy for my arm and hand. My fine motor skills needed to be learned all over again. I struggled with picking up objects, which meant that typing or holding a pen would be impossible until I healed.

I also went to physical therapy twice a week for my neck and back. My spine curved inward from the impact, which caused all sorts of problems. Basically it meant that I was in a lot of pain and wasn't able to look down to edit.

I stayed on disability for several months and then tried going back to work. I soon realized that I simply was in too much pain to continue working as an editor. I moved in with my boyfriend (who is now my husband), and spent the next two years healing at home. My routine consisted of weekly doctor's visits, physical therapy, shots upon shots into my back and neck, and a lot of lying down and resting. 

During this time I was very angry. Angry at the woman who turned in front of me, angry at the insurance companies when we settled for a much smaller amount than I was entitled to (she was underinsured), angry at my job who eventually laid me off when I couldn't come back, angry at myself for being weak and not able to heal faster. Angry at life.

This went on for years. Until one day I realized that this was all an act of grace. Being there at that moment and getting into this car crash was the best thing that could've happened to me.

I wasn't going to pull myself out of that job - that security - on my own. I needed something this drastic, this clear, this horrific to pull me away. My life was going in the wrong direction, and I literally needed a crash to stop it in its tracks.

It's been nine years since this happened, and I am happy to say that I am writing.  And while it has taken a long while to sort through all of this and come to terms with losing an identity that I clung to, I have learned a lot in the process.

I have opened myself up to magical things that I never would've been exposed to had I continued editing.

I am living.
I am on my path.

And that doesn't mean that each day is smooth sailing, but it does mean that I am at least heading in the right direction.

I believe that there are no coincidences in life.

If you are experiencing a major transition or have recently gone through a traumatic event, really take the time to look into why this was brought to you at this particular time.
Why do you need to have this occur?
What lessons can be learned from it?
What is your inner wisdom needing you to hear?

There is always a higher purpose and a bigger plan. Grace has a way of steering us back to ourselves - even if we are kicking and screaming.

I'm working on listening to that voice when it's a whisper rather than waiting for the scream.
 

But either way, we're always led to the exact right place at the exact right time. 

Always.

Jodi Chapman writes Soul Speak – a daily blog that focuses on seeing life through a lens of gratitude and positivity. She is the bestselling author of the Soulful Journals series – writing-prompt journals that help you go within and get to know yourself better. She is also the author of the upcoming book, Go For It: Get Out There and Start Living! She believes that our thoughts become our reality, and our actions lead us to our dreams. She is happily married to her best friend and co-writer, Dan Teck. They live in southern Oregon with their four fuzzy kids. www.soulspeakbyjodi.com

Celebrating Grace

Today, a dear friend of mine is getting married. She’s so dear, in fact, that we call each other “BB” (Bestest Buddies). Since more than ten years ago when we first met, we’ve grown and changed as individuals, and our lives have taken us through different twists and turns. What bonded us to each other a decade ago are no longer the reasons why we remain BBs. Instead, we’ve allowed each other the room to grow into the women we want to be individually, trusting that our friendship would adapt and morph into a redefined state of closeness. And it has. This evening, I’ll proudly – and likely tearfully – celebrate the blessed union of my BB and her beloved soulmate as her Maid of Honor.

Clearly, a significant event like this is a major cause for celebration, along with birthdays, anniversaries, graduations, promotions and similarly special events. Aside from these obviously significant milestones and markers, we have plenty of reasons to celebrate life every day. Yet, few of us do. It’s so easy for us to inadvertently take the good we have in our lives for granted, especially the things that have nothing to do with our actions or effort – for instance, the perfect blue sky overhead, a deliciously fragrant cup of tea, the unexpected kindness of a stranger. 

The goodness in our lives, whether people or things, is what Dr. Robert Emmons refers to as “Grace” in his book, Thanks! He says that very few of us perceive grace, because we’re forgetful, take things for granted, and tend to pay attention only to the direct results of our actions. Because the presence of grace in our lives often either has nothing to do with our actions or exceeds the merits of our effort, grace are effectively free gifts bestowed upon us on a regular basis. Our job is to be aware of these gifts of grace – and celebrate them.

To live a passionate and joyful life, we all have lots to gain by cultivating a grace consciousness – to notice, appreciate and be grateful for the good in our lives as often as possible. Take stock of the people who grace your life in large and small ways, for just a few moments and for a lifetime. Take even just 5 minutes every day to simply notice the good around you. Nothing is too insignificant or small to acknowledge, appreciate and for which to feel genuine gratitude. By practicing this awareness of “free gifts” in our lives, we train our subconscious mind to look for all things to celebrate, big and small, objectively profound or pedestrian. This practice opens up an energetic portal within us for more grace to pour in.

Oprah says, “The more we praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate.” Let’s all go into the weekend with the raised consciousness to celebrate any and all signs of grace in our lives.