Practicing APP

No, I’m not talking about what to download to your smart phone. APP represents three key ingredients for living with intention, rather than just marking time: Authenticity, Purpose and Passion. Let’s talk about these in turn.

Authenticity

We live in a world in which we’re constantly managing our image and reputation--whether we’re aware of doing that or not. Fundamentally, as human beings, we all want to be liked and accepted, to be considered a good person and/or really good at what we do. We want to present our best face. We’ve learned since childhood what to do to gain approval. If we aren’t mindful, we can easily fall into the trap of becoming a lifelong chameleon, contorting ourselves to be someone we think we need to be in order to be accepted. However, moving from act to act to gain fleeting acceptance ultimately leaves us empty. Are we truly accepted for who we are? No, because we didn’t represent our authentic selves. 

Real connections, whether personal or business, can only be formed and sustained when we show up as our authentic selves. We bring who we are, what we’re about to these relationships. We coach, lead, follow, support, collaborate, share our lives with others who know that they can trust us, that what they see is who we are and what they’ll get. They know we aren’t perfect, just like they aren’t, even if we have different strengths and shortcomings. That’s why we complement each other. That’s why when we come together with others, the whole of the community, the organization, the partnership is more than the sum of its parts. When we’re comfortable with our vulnerabilities and let others see that we’re committed to being authentic, it inspires them to do the same. In turn, we learn, grow and thrive together.

Purpose

We live in a very busy world, full of things to do, commitments to meet. When we get to a certain stage in our lives, we’re parents, children of elderly parents, in addition to being working professionals who spend most of our waking hours doing jobs that, quite frankly, many of us dread. We aren’t sure how it happened, but somewhere along the way of growing up to become adults, we become saddled with responsibilities. We either never really knew our purpose in this life or we knew at one point--could be in the form of a childhood dream--but somehow feel we have lost our way.

When we approach something with purpose, e.g., volunteer for a cause in which we deeply believe, or participate in a family event with the intended purpose to (re-)connect instead of simply feeling obliged, there’s a joyful and expansive energy that fills us up. Have you ever noticed that? Conversely, whenever we do anything out of a sense of “should,” there’s a tenseness we carry with us that may manifest as sore necks and/or backs, difficulty sleeping, indigestion or any number of physical or psychological symptoms. All of us come into this life for the purpose of creating joy and growing, even if the specifics differ from person to person. The more we become mindful of choosing what to do and why we want to do it, we become tuned into our true selves and tapped into the flow of creation in the universe.

Passion

Do you remember being really into something (or someone) and how limitless the possibilities seem when you feel that passion coursing through your veins? When we aren’t doing something for which we feel passion, it becomes drudgery. That’s why, when we don’t love what we do, we find ourselves on the weekly treadmill of dreading every Monday morning, willing ourselves to slug through the week, waiting to exclaim “TGIF!” (Thank goodness it’s Friday!). Instead of passion, much of what we do is motivated by what we feel are obligations. As a result, we spend more time doing things grudgingly rather than giving of ourselves freely and joyfully--because that joy boomerangs back to us multiplied.

When we’re passionate about something that’s objectively big and scary, our love for and belief in it fuels our resolve to move mountains to make it happen. It’s not that we don’t feel fear or self-doubt; rather, the passion we feel is greater. That’s why so many self-development experts urge us to find and follow our passion. That’s why we hear such wisdom as when we love what we do, it isn’t work.

Call to Action

For many of us, we feel less than authentic, purposeful and passionate about our lives. Does that mean we all need a life overhaul? No, unless you feel called to do so. Otherwise, life is a process. What we can all do is inject APP into our daily lives. Here are some points to contemplate and practice:

1. What one simple thing can you mindfully do every day to honor your authentic self? May be it’s feeling ok to say “no” to something that you truly don’t want to do. May be it’s feeling ok about getting a little emotional about something that touches you.

2. Before you do something, think about the purpose your action would fulfill other than obligation. For instance, go to your child’s recital with the purpose of celebrating the talent of your child. Go to work with the purpose of making one customer’s experience better directly or indirectly by what you do. 
 
3. Do something each week (or more often if you can) that really engages your passion. Perhaps it’s taking a pottery or drawing class. Perhaps it’s volunteering your time to visit the elderly.
 

With mindful practice, we can all up our APP quotient in our lives.

Honoring our boundaries while serving

Many of us were raised to be pleasers. For some of us, we also have the innate personality that makes us highly sensitive to not disappointing others. Pleasing others is the subconscious programming many of us internalize that creates martyrdom and self-abandonment. We ignore our own needs and desires, do what causes us discomfort or even pain, all in the name of wanting to make someone else happy. We tell ourselves that we’re being of service. However, being of service doesn’t require us to abandon ourselves. We can still serve authentically without having to dishonor our boundaries.

This past week really made me come face to face with the above. No matter how many years I’ve already spent excavating the learned rules of how to behave and what to do since I was a kid, deeper layers of forgotten “should”s still sneak up on me every now and then. It’s just like what I wrote in my book: Old beliefs and programming are like layers of an onion. Until we peel away the outer layers, the deeper ones can’t be exposed. That’s why, releasing old subconscious programming is a process. The good news is that when old rules come up, we have the opportunities to release them--that is, as long as we have the consciousness to recognize and accept the opportunities.

I mentioned in last week’s article that I was going to a wedding as the Maid of Honor. The wedding turned out to be absolutely beautiful, and the bride was ecstatic to have her fairytale come true. It was very special to be part of this experience. Especially during the ceremony, I couldn’t keep my eyes dry. I’m thoroughly thrilled for the couple.

With all that said, for me personally, the evening did not end on a high note. The culprit? The dreaded bouquet toss. I knew it was part of the program, but it never dawned on me that I’d be required to participate in it. The DJ repeatedly and obnoxiously declared into the microphone my single status, refuting my personal claim, as if he had the right to do so. When I didn’t budge, I was personally escorted to join a group of women who, too, wished they could find a place to hide. It was utterly humiliating. I was grossly unprepared for that moment, and couldn’t lift myself from the humiliation.

That experience was hard to stomach for several reasons. First, and most importantly, although my legal marital status is single, I haven’t been single in a long time. (That’s a whole different article altogether!) To be forced to accept an attribution with which I don’t identify deeply violated my personal liberties. Besides, in principle, I have real difficulties with the antiquated ritual of lining up a bunch of single women to catch a bouquet. Is that really fun or necessary? For whom? That’s why, when I got married in 2002, I skipped this part of the program to spare my single friends of truly unnecessary embarrassment.

I could continue licking my wounds of having been publicly humiliated. However, as with all experiences that are hard to swallow, they are opportunities to let go of that which no longer serves us. In this case, the first forgotten old belief that needed to go surrounds the social judgments around being a legally single woman in her 40s. This is clearly a bigger social issue that could be debated till the cows come home. Personally, though, what matters is that I know my own Truth in my heart. When I regained grounding in this awareness, it became clear that the humiliation I felt was only a judgment, a really harsh one notwithstanding. By letting this judgment go, I release the feelings of humiliation.

The bigger lesson from this experience is a reminder to honor my boundaries while wanting to serve. I had made it my mission since accepting the role of Maid of Honor to give the bride what she wanted. I could have held firm about not joining in the bouquet toss had I been in the right level of consciousness. No one could force me to do anything I didn’t wish to accept. Ultimately, I yielded to a ritual with which I personally disagree at multiple levels, because I forgot to represent my rights and boundaries. I abandoned myself in that moment, all in the name of not wanting to mar the auspicious occasion for my dear friend. She would have completely understood my position had I simply explained it. Under any circumstance, it’s always my responsibility to tend to my own boundaries, lest I give my power away, by grudgingly yielding to external expectations and “should”s.

In closing, this article wasn’t easy to write, as it’s deeply personal. However, when I took it into meditation this morning as to whether to write this piece, I got crystal clear guidance to remain authentic. Just as I was directed to share a lot of myself in my book, continuing to share authentically what I learn from working through struggles of my lower human self remains a key part of my calling to serve. I hope you can take my story as a case study for looking at difficult human experiences with a higher consciousness--and for being open to harvesting the gifts they bear. Namaste.