To Honor Oneself Is to be Whole

What a difference a week makes! After having been knocked around – literally and figuratively – in the car wreck a week ago, I’m feeling much more grounded and centered again. I’m truly grateful to you, my friends, for the love and support you’ve offered. Some of you came as far as 30 miles each way, to take me where I needed to go and to comfort me. You’re beautiful, shining symbols of Grace in my life!

In my last blog post, I mentioned that this accident gives me the opportunity to practice what I wrote in my forthcoming book. The lessons continue to reveal themselves, as I contemplate the greater significance of this objectively unpleasant event at this peculiar time – just when I’m stepping into my soul’s calling. One lesson is that this incident is a wakeup call for me to honor the parts of me I had unknowingly disowned. Before I can move forward in whole, I need to welcome back these parts.

First of all, this last accident made me realize that the one from 2008 still haunted me at a subconscious level. After months of coping with a psychologically and physically trying recovery, I was sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. I was so eager to get on with my second lease in life that I willed myself to feel better. In the process, I pushed off the traumatized part of me that hadn’t fully processed and recovered from what happened. In fact, over the last 2+ years, I’ve had frequent flashes of being hit while driving on a freeway, including on the morning of the accident last week. Yet, every time that happened, I’d shove that fearful thought aside, as if it was an unwanted child with whom I didn’t want any association. I now realize I need to take that freaked out little girl in my arms, and hold her for as long as it takes to help her feel safe again. There will always be risks associated with driving, especially at high speed. However, I’ll do everything I can to minimize our exposure to being harmed again. Besides, as this last incident showed, Grace is everywhere protecting us. We are safe – I am safe.

Related to the above realization is the need to welcome back the part of me I had deemed imperfect. Since childhood, I’ve felt the need to be perfect, lest I failed to qualify for love and acceptance. In my mind, there was no margin for error. With the recent incident, the perfectionist in me couldn’t own being in another car accident. What am I, a frigging magnet to car crashes?! How could I possibly let this happen again? From having dabbled in personality psychology for more than 13 years, I know that someone of my type is challenged when it comes to noticing her physical surroundings. (For those of you who know the 8 Functions by Dr. John Beebe, I’m talking about the Extraverted Sensing Function.) It’s literally a weakness in my makeup. If I’m ashamed of that part of me which is, by nature, slow to react to traffic or road conditions, I effectively shun a real, intrinsic part of myself. Of course, I do need to be on extra alert when I drive. Beyond that, it’s simply time for me to welcome back into my loving arms this unwanted little girl of imperfections as well. She has been shamed and rejected long enough.

In short, one huge lesson in this recent car crash is for me to truly honor myself. This includes the parts that are not easy to embrace, that don’t naturally elicit pride. And, in honoring the fearful and imperfect parts of me, I’m also in a better position to release what no longer serves me, such as the latent fears about not being safe. Release and honor are the “R” and “H” in the “REACH” process in my book. I’m well tooled up to coach myself through this little bump on my human path, supported and buoyed by the many demonstrations of Grace in my life.

I’m ready to move forward in whole.